I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
She started to tell me how she goes to a shrink, so I started thinking how to sneak out of her place, then she said part of it was for her sex addiction, long story short she's got her clit peirced n I just got laid
He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
i came so much i feel like i were to try again, only dust would come out. and maybe glitter
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
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