I can mark tailgating, going to the game and getting road head off my to do list today
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
Ask her if said friend is decent looking or a wildabeast. Need to know if I need to top these 8 coronas off with a little tequila.
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
Randomize
