youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
i walked into the party and i guess everyone knew because they began to chant "ass to mouth"
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
all i remember is him tryin to explain to the girls how to effectively hit the strip club with their bfs
hes actually pretty persuasive when he drinks
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
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