I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
You pretty much isn't said it
Those words don't go together.
I HOPE YOU ENJOY THIS VDIEPO BECAUSE I AMS ENDIONG A LOKT OF EFFORT RECORIDNG IT
I ONLY PARTIALLY KNOW WHAT YOU SAID. BUT I THINK I WILL LIKE IT.
I effort
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
Randomize
