I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
people and things i regret. that's what i want to do tonight.
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
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