I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
