Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
Quick, to the slutcave!
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
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