dude, the reading rainbow guy was just talking to a HOLOGRAM
Are you sure you're not watching Star Trek?
wait... oh
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
She's "scared" of blowjobs, so she just played with it for a while.
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And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
We fucked then made friendship bracelets, his mother taught him right!
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You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
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