is it really weird I just got "suckable tits" in my honesty box and I'm flattered??
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
She's writing hockey erotica again.
Tell her to pick another team besides ours this time.
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
Randomize
