I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
he had a cock ring. i orgasmed before he even put it in
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