I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize
