Her vagina should come with caution tape.
You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
Yours weakened by children. Mine weakened by a forearm sized cock for 8 years.
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
Randomize
