Whats up?
Drunk as a mother trucker with panties on her thumbnail..laying thee down
Stay up. I'm coming home in a little
Ill try..hurry!!!! Thine hour awaits you
I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
Let's just be mature adults about last night and never speak of it again.
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
Walk back down Church toward Mass Ave. Take a right and head for the guy in a kilt on top of the really tall unicycle. C u soon!
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
Randomize
