You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
She had a baby and now works at Hooters. She is the poster child for peaking in high school.
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
Randomize
