i'm pretty confident that i watched a woman making love to a german shepherd.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
Yep. About to get on pornhub to spill some Christmas cheer
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
Well his aunt was in the next room so we had to be quiet. I felt like i was on an episode of silent library.
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
Do you remember vividly describing the shape and girth of my cock to that girl last night?
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