Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
As much as I'm all for laying on his living room couch, watching spongebob and having spoon sex, it's becoming a routine.
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
I AM VODKA MAN
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
why yes, bad decisions will be made starting at 3PM Thurs through 8PM on Sun. You have been warned. Plan accordingly.
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
