I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
um. i met him on myspace...we text now, he lives down the street
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion
It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
Randomize
