I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
I have a very awkward question for you. Could you possibly take my black dildo. My mom wants to clean my room.
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
Randomize
