Already tried, she's too smart for that. I need a Primos "Do your wife in the butt" lure/call to trick her into wanting it
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Randomize
