I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
The walk of shame is so much worse when you've spent the night third wheeling.
and my herpes radar will keep us safe
Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
I don't get why Lindsay Lohan doesn't just blame her bad behavior on her twin sister from the Parent Trap. I mean nobodys seen her since.
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
Randomize
