and when i put it inside her she yelled "welcome aboard!"
So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
he sent me a naked picture of himself. things got awkward really quickly. but on a positive note he shaved his chest
he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
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And then she proceeded to fling her bra around while screaming the rocket power theme song, still managing to not fall off the skateboard
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
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we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
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