when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
My t9 writes chubies instead of bitches.
either way. win, win.
I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
I plan on offering nudes to any guy that wants to give me notes from the past five weeks of class
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
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