Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
I don't know how it started but we all ended up shirtless andI was covered in crawfish and wearing a sombrero.
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
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