I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
Where do you think black out memories go?
Into the dark abysmal abyss of the deepest, darkest part of your mind. It's obviously the bodies natural defense to protect you from witnessing the shit you do while actually blacked out.
all i remember is arguing with the chick that yahoo was better than google
all you were doing was yelling YAHOOOOO in her face
so i won
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
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