Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
so i told him i still liked him. he laughed
well, your crazy. what did you expect?
Theyr drawing diagrams to try to explain to me how high they are
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
She came to college a virgin and left on court order. We ruined her.
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
But no. So do not give him one damn penny. Unless they are in a sock and you are hitting him with it.
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
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