@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
My legs have surpassed "hairy" and entered the territory of "furry". Maybe I should just suck it up and shave already
No now I'm curious!
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
my human sexuality class is the only class where the porn i watch the night before is relevant to the discussion the next day
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
You ruined the universe
Randomize
