dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
why isn't there a fb relationship option that says 'still banging my ex'
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
I plan on showing these boobs to so many people that by the end of it ill just have a shirt of beads.
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
Is it illegal to hookup with your fathers god child?
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
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