Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
One of her kids, Dakota I think, got stuck in a ceiling fan and she had a fit, thats when she found the penis hat.
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
Bring me that man meat
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
Randomize
