Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.
Quiet hours sex sucks. I hate finals.
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
Dude she looks like a female richard gere plus 400 pounds.
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
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