She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
ill give you a picture of me naked for $5. im desperate.
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
