i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
We were in the backseat and he was giggling uncontrolably. It felt like I was giving head to a 10 year old girl.
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
thank you whoever used my nalgene as a flask. pregamin in chem
I believe you called it tequila and nipples. The proceeded to strike a pose.
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
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