i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
well he is only 50 percent black.. but after last night i am 100 percent not going back
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
what the fuck is a social media consultant, who does she consult for, and how bad is she at it? her facebook account is currently hacked and posting ads for the ipad 2 on my newsfeed
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
That idiot. I'll see him on campus and he'll try and touch me like we're friends or some shit. 1.you're ugly 2. You dropped the blunt in the pool
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
Randomize
