"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
Idk if I want to put a bra on
Randomize
