dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
I'm just a little concerned for your well being... and your penis too I suppose.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
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