it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
Come my child we shall walk thru the pasture of amazing sex and corndogs. Hint:some corndogs are not corndogs.
They just showed up to the party with a shopping cart full stolen of naty ice cans, no boxes, just cans. Shit just got real !
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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