Are you seriously picking mariokart over a blowjob? nott to sound like a bitch but seriously?
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
Dammit now I'm pissed. Its like I am torn between two worlds. A world of girls, and a world of people punching other people in the head. Both are just so beautiful.
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
List 10 things your GF won't do for you, and we can work through that list.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
Drunk is a universal language darling
Randomize
