did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
Randomize
