my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
So pretty much, I was trying to piece last night together and remembered a point where I was pointing to you heart then touching your face. I'm not sure that I ever translated that to "I like your personality better than your looks" but that's what I meant
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
Just got a handjob in my psych lecture. You were right, going to class is paying off.
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
Randomize
