Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
I just woke up. In the port-o-potty next to our tailgate. an hour after the game started. explain.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
noooo, I woke up on his pack porch and the SUN WAS RISING. I saw red lights everywhere and heard sirens so I just ran for my life.
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
What's rude is him not accepting my blowjob offer. What kind of guy denies that.
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
Randomize
