god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
when i woke up this morning i blew my nose and ash came out.. i'm not sure what to make of this.
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
I was just asked if I wanted to struggle snuggle. She's a keeper
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
Randomize
