i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
My legs have surpassed "hairy" and entered the territory of "furry". Maybe I should just suck it up and shave already
No now I'm curious!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
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