She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
Go forth Daniel, drink, be merry... And meet some hot Asians for your friends to bang
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
Randomize
