I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
to do: lose virginity to hamster dance
dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
You would think that an uncircumcised man would understand how the hood of a clit works.
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
I can't believe I'm giving you play by plays of this sexting convo. It's like a three way he doesn't know about.
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
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