He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
This is even worse then that time I fucked a guy just because he had air conditioning.
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
How external is "for external use only"?
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
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