bobby jindal makes me wanna cover my ears. you make me wanna smile.
i hate this light. i wouldnt even hook up with me in this light
i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
Randomize
