when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
Pregnancy scare over. Let the cockfest begin.
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
Randomize
