another moral hangover. fuck.
just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
Now I'm watching The History of Sex on the History Channel. They're talking about how repressed the 30s were. I think I understand why grandma is such an angry person.
No.. It's totally over.. He deleted the poke I sent him.. That makes it official.
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
