that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
my brother is a facebook fan of two things: God, and Rhianna. if he's not a prime example of the rare "baptist closeted gay," i don't know who is.
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
I think your dad took our porno
And today, on Faces I'd Like to Sit On .... The starting line up of the German National Football team
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
Randomize
