Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
I dint menn to makr ut w brtendr
Wat???
U lft me at bar, no cassh for cab, may have slept with bartender
Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
do herpes really smell.
Well, both are illegal but one involves my vagina a whole lot less.
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
is it still considered wake n bake if you wake up at 2 pm?
Shame - the story of my life.
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
Randomize
