My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
I've hooked up with three guys in my accounting class. I'm beginning to think my teacher failed me so I can start getting laid again.
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
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