I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
Randomize
