she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
So much easier to puke and rally now that my gluten's under control
we are the apple cider girls!
It's a whole movie about Joseph Gordon-Levitt watching porn and having sex... I NEED to own it..
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize
