Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
Gross thing of the day...i got cum in my new boots
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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