what if I'm pregnant?
smusmorshion
so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
still wasted. at home depot . just threw up in one of the demo showers. not okay.
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
Randomize